The Endless Dream
by Bluestarshine
Summary: "The next seconds could have been years to Thorin. There was no recollection of time here. There was no such thing as time. Only a constant emptiness." - After falling in battle, Thorin is torn from reality and forced into a dark place of despair and pain. Trapped in this place of madness, he struggles to find an escape and determine what is real, and what isn't.


**Disclaimer: I claim or own nothing. It all belongs to J.R.R Tolkien.**

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It was an endless sea of colour, with chilling waves and powerful hands.

The sea was strong, the colours blinding, and they claimed him. They claimed Thorin, and tried to drown him, tried to force him beneath the waves and keep him there. It was inescapable, yet he still fought with everything that he had, with every breath left in his body, until there was not a breath left. Fighting proved effortless, it only drained the little strength he had left, and Thorin only sunk down further.

He fell beneath the sickening waves that tasted of blood, and seeped inside of him like a poison, to which there was no cure, not for him, not in this lifetime. Grief became him. Rage swelled inside of him. Thorin fought the pain in his body and the grief in his heart, but fighting only drained him further, so he tried something else, something new.

Thorin gave in.

For the King under the Mountain, fighting until the last breath and the last warrior had always been in his blood. He had spent _so_ many long years, fighting by the sides of his kin, and had never considered stopping. Until now.

When Thorin stopped fighting something happened. The water was no longer red. It was replaced with a soft shade of gold, and a dark brown, and Thorin knew that if grief was a colour it would be the two combined. It would be brown, with fragments of gold scattered throughout it.

But it wouldn't be the kind of gold that was sickening, the kind that created darkness and sent King's into madness, it would be the kind of gold like Fíli's long hair. And the brown would be dark, like Kíli's hair or his kind eyes.

Thorin only felt grief at the sight of these colours because he'd let them down, he'd lost them and the grief of this was overwhelming. Then, he felt guilty for leaving. The guilt was sickening, and soon the shades of grief disappeared and it was just darkness. Eternal and cruel darkness.

Then it was an abyss.

Gaping and endless. Silent and painful. Teeth formed and grew, and these teeth were so sharp that they could surely tear the flesh from the bone in a matter of seconds. Strong waves carried Thorin into the mouth of the abyss, and the flesh of his arms was torn clean off. Hacked at. Gone. Thorin's lips opened but nothing escaped them. No screams or sounds. No cries for his nephews, or the members of his company.

The collections of colour were constant.

Even after Thorin had closed his eyes, determined not to find another reminder, they came to him. Colours of the company; flashes of the colours of their garments, eyes and hair, appeared before his eyes and suddenly Thorin didn't want to find an escape from the colour. He didn't want to forget the colour of his nephew's eyes, or the faces of his Company. He even saw the colours of Bilbo's little waistcoat, and it made him stronger. This could have dragged on for years, but Thorin didn't know.

Seeing these familiar shades made Thorin want to return. It made him want to fight, even though the waves were at their strongest. Crashing upon him and forcing him down, and as he was struggling for a breath of air it hit him. The Arkenstone. It was light and beautiful, and held an array of colours that captivated him. It lured him in, and surrounded him with the gold.

This was the kind of gold that was sickening, and Thorin almost lost himself to the madness, until the lonely mountain flashed before his eyes. Green. Gold. It all came together. Thorin's strength, the collection of colours, and his determination to save his company and reclaim Erebor. The water begun to vanish, and drained around him. But he wasn't returned to the world of the living, not yet.

Instead, Thorin was thrust into another world. A burning world which had no sun and held no stars. There was nothing but blackness and fire here.

_Fíli, _Thorin tried to cry out, but his voice was a whisper that fell into the silence.

Unheard and unanswered.

Thorin spun around quickly, searching for an escape, a face, anything but fire. Thorin caught sight of a golden lock of hair, and ran towards it. He ran towards it knowing it was Fíli, and felt his heart cease to beat in his chest when he found his nephew. Lying on the burning grown. Skin torn and burnt. Struggling. Fíli was alive.

Thorin fell to his knees in agony, unable to bear the sight of Fíli like this. His hands shook unsteadily as he tried to fix this, tried to stop the bleeding or ease the pain, and save his nephew. Fíli eyes opened weakly, and when he parted his lips to try and speak Thorin stopped him.

_Save your strength, _he almost said, but again nothing escaped his lips.

Fíli was struggling to stay alive, he was fighting but he was fearful, and there was not a thing that Thorin could do to reassure him. Screams and the sound of a crackling fire filled the air. Burning. The stench of blood was sickeningly fresh.

Worn and broken, Thorin laid down on the ground next to Fíli and he smiled at him. He smiled at him sadly, but warmly, and it said all that his lips did not.

_You're not alone, Fíli. We will always be together._

After Thorin pulled Fíli into his arms and held him tightly, held him as closely as he could, they both closed their weary eyes. The next seconds could have been years to Thorin. There was no recollection of time here. There was no such thing as time. Only a constant emptiness.

Cooling waves washed over him sometime later, and Thorin felt lighter. He felt the heat of the fire disappearing, just as the weight of the water had gone before it, and it all seemed to fade away, to disappear to a darker place that Thorin no longer belonged to.

This didn't feel like grief, or agony. It felt like peace. _Thorin, _voices called out to him, they beckoned for him to join him, and he did. When Thorin's face opened he saw the faces of his kin.

Thorin found gold lying beside him, it was the first thing he saw once his eyes had opened. This wasn't the kind of gold that created darkness, it was gold like Fíli's hair. It _was_ Fíli's hair. A pile of gold laid by his left side, resting on his chest, and once Thorin's eyes had focused completely he saw it.

Blood and dirt painted Fíli's forehead, and clung to his body, but his face wasn't burnt and his flesh wasn't melted. Panic set into Thorin, who was struggling to determine if this was his reality, or something else entirely. However, his struggle to determine what was real, and what was not, soon faded. Thorin knew this wasn't peace, it couldn't be.

The pain he felt surging throughout his body confirmed that this was reality.

Thorin's throat was dry when he tried to speak.

"Fíli..."

Thorin managed to cough out his name, and then he shook his nephew gently to wake him. Slowly, Fíli's eyes opened and he looked up at Thorin.

"Uncle...Where..."" Fíli's said, and his voice was so quiet Thorin barely caught it.

"I'm here. How have you been hurt?"

"My leg..." he winced. "My chest.."

"Don't move." Thorin instructed, after staring at the blood that ran down Fíli's leg.

A cold air of silence appeared between them, but it didn't last for long.

"Have..Have we been forgotten?" Fíli asked, and he sounded scared.

Battle had the power to change even the bravest souls, Thorin knew this and he understood Fíli's fear. He tried to do everything he could to reassure Fíli and take this fear from him.

"No, never."

Thorin's words were reassuring to Fíli, who then moved to hold him a little tighter.

"They will find us." Thorin promised.

But as the words passed through Thorin's lips he was uncertain. They were surrounded by a field of dead bodies. A horrible stench filled the air. The sky was dark, the air was filled with smoke and blood, and there were no sounds around them. He heard nothing. Thorin squeezed Fíli gently, holding him a little closer. Fíli looked up at Thorin with sleepy eyes, and a pale face.

"Did I do good?" Fíli asked.

And that was all it took for a memory to return to Thorin. Bright flashes appeared before Thorin's eyes. He heard the cries of warriors ringing through the air, and the distinct sound of metal clashing together. Then he saw Fíli when he was younger, practising with a sword, asking if he'd done good.

Thorin tried to recall how he had come to be here, but he had no luck. However, he could see Fíli clearly. Fíli had been fighting a pack of Orcs by his side. Several of them had drawn their swords and charged at him. Fíli, despite being outnumbered, fought and Thorin remembers feeling proud. It became blurry after that.

"Yes, Fíli." Thorin's voice became a whisper again. "You did very good."

"I saw you..." Fíli shivered and closed his eyes. "I saw you fall, Uncle... And I tried, but I couldn't find Kíli. I couldn't get back up, and I couldn't...I couldn't find Kee, and I can't leave him. We can't leave him behind. What if he's injured? Or, worse..."

"Kíli will be fine, Fíli." Thorin answered, and tried to find more strength. "We will find him."

After drawing in sharp breath of air, Thorin spoke again.

"We will find our way back."

"I can't-"

"I will carry you." Thorin said.

"But you-"

"I will carry you, Fíli, and I'll hear no argument about it."

Thorin needed a moment to regain his breath and find his strength, and once he had he stood from the ground with a painful groan. Despite the pain, Thorin did not regret his movement. He would do what was needed, what must be done, to save and protect his nephews. Thorin's eyes skimmed over the field, but he saw only more bodies, more blood and more fire.

He swallowed tightly and looked back down upon Fíli, who stared up at him with dark eyes.

"Here." Thorin coughed, and then leant forward.

It took all the strength that Thorin could muster to pull Fíli up from the ground. Thorin placed Fíli's hand over his shoulder, put his own hand around Fíli's waist, and pulled him upwards.

"Careful." Thorin said, and he didn't let Fíli's injured foot press against the ground.

"Put your weight on me." he instructed.

And Fíli didn't argue.

He lifted his injured foot from the ground, and rested against Thorin's large shoulders. They breathed heavily for a moment, while they steadied themselves. Thorin walked forward without announcement, lifting and carrying Fíli as he did. However, it did not go as planned and seconds later the two of them fell, face first, into the ground.

Thorin panicked and quickly rolled Fíli over, to find him smiling. Of all things. He was smiling.

"Fíli," Thorin frowned greatly. "Why do you smile?"

"What a pair we make, uncle." Fíli coughed, and then laughed a little.

"What a pair, indeed." Thorin agreed, and a weak smile formed on his lips.

Fíli's smile froze, and he looked back into his uncle's deep eyes.

"You won't leave, will you?" Fíli asked, and he sounded scared.

In this moment, Thorin was reminded of when Fíli and Kíli had been much younger, and the noises in the night made them scared. He can recall easily how they used to ask him to stay, and Thorin would stay until they were both fast asleep, until they didn't need him anymore.

"No, I won't...If you don't." Thorin answered, and he would stay until they didn't need him.

Although Thorin doubted that there would ever be a day where he was needed by his nephews, and where he did not need them.

The smile returned to Fíli's face, and it made Thorin feel a little better.

"What, and take from Kíli the satisfaction of finding us and being a hero?" Fíli grinned, and appeared to be in better spirits already. "I wouldn't dream of it."

The smiles on their faces lasted a moment longer, before disappearing again. Without saying a word Fíli moved forward as much as he was able to, and laid down against Thorin, just as he had done earlier. Thorin lifted his uninjured hand and allowed Fíli to rest on his chest, and then he held Fíli as tightly as he could.

The very moment that Thorin's lips had parted, and he had begun to reassure Fíli that they would be alright, another voice filled the air. An agonizing, forceful cry shouted out and captured their attention.

"Fíli!" the voice called out, and they realised who it was.

It was Kíli.

Thorin frowned and stared down at Fíli, to check if he had heard Kíli too, because Thorin wasn't certain if they cry had belonged to a voice in his mind or if it belonged to the real word, which did not always feel so real.

"Kíli..." Fíli whispered, and then coughed.

It had to be real if Fíli had also heard it. Other sounds came. More noises. But the only voice that Thorin and Fíli could hear belonged to Kíli, who seemed to be coming closer with every cry that passed his lips. His desperation and need to find them seemed to grow as he moved closer.

"_Thorin_?!" Kíli shouted out. "_Fíli_?!"

Thorin coughed deeply, cleared his throat, and sat upright.

"Kíli." he called, and found him.

Kíli stood several feet away, searching through the dead bodies. Upon hearing his name being called, Kíli spun around and caught sight of Thorin sitting upwards. Relief ran down Kíli's face, and he rushed towards them. Thorin, feeling relieved that they had been found, breathed out a deep breath of air and laid back down on the ground beside the weakened Fíli.

They stared down at each other and smiled again, because Kíli had found them, like Thorin had said he would.

"Fíli! Thorin!" Kíli still called to them, even though they were no longer lost.

His voice soon grew nearer, and suddenly Kíli was kneeling over them. His face was smeared with dirt and blood, and was covered with fresh wounds. His hair was matted with blood and dirt. Blood clung to his body and his tattered clothes, and he seemed to move slower than he once did, but he still moved at a fast speed despite his injuries.

"Kíli..." Fíli said softly, and then formed a weak smile.

Kíli was frantic. He checked Fíli for wounds first, searching every inch of him until he was satisfied that Fíli was fine. Then, Kíli checked Thorin for wounds, and he did not receive any objection. Once he had finished, Kíli turned back quickly and shouted to distant figures.

"Over here!" Kíli shouted, as loudly as he could. "They're here! I found them!"

After he had alerted the others, Kíli spun back around and smiled. He smiled with relief, and moved to hug them. Kíli hugged Fíli first, and then Thorin. He hugged them carefully, around the waist, and then pulled back so he could speak to them for the first time.

"You two!" Kíli exclaimed, still smiling.

Tears ran down Kíli's face.

"You found us." Fíli said, and his eyes welled with tears.

"Of course I did! What did you think, I'd leave you out here?" Kíli answered quickly.

"I knew you'd find us, Kíli." Thorin said proudly, and his eyes glistened.

It took Kíli a moment to speak again, after hearing these words from Thorin and Fíli.

"But really, you two!" his smile faltered and he paused.

Then, Kíli pressed kisses to Fíli's and Thorin's forehead.

"I thought you'd fallen..." Kíli smiled, but still cried. "You have no idea how much you scared me! I was frightened I'd lost you both."

Fíli took Kíli's hand and held it.

"It would take more than that, Kee." Fíli said quietly.

The words made Kíli smile again, and he wiped away the tears that still fell. The fear and grief that Kíli had felt at the simple thought of losing Thorin or Fíli had crushed him. It had left him feeling shattered, and frightened. But they were here now. They were fine, and help was on the way. They had all survived this, and this was a reason to smile.

"Bless your keen eyes, Kíli." Balin said from behind them.

His voice drew in the attention of the three of them, and they looked up to find Balin standing only a few feet away. Balin looked tired, but did not appear to have any serious injuries, apart from a few small cuts.

"Balin." Thorin breathed another sigh of relief, and had the feeling he would be doing this many more times.

"Of course, I should have known the three of you would find each other again." Balin said, and he now wore a smile on his face. "You always do."

"Thorin has wounds to his shoulder, head and legs. Fíli's legs and chest are also injured." Kíli reported back, with a worried expression.

"Very keen eyes indeed, Kíli." Balin answered, and then took a step forward.

"I am fine." Thorin said. "But Fíli cannot stand on his own."

Balin knelt down by Fíli, who now sat upright next to Thorin.

"I will help him." Balin said, and then helped the young dwarf from the ground. "Up we get, laddie."

Fíli stood from the ground with an agonizing groan, and it was enough to cause Kíli to jump up quickly and become panicked.

"I'm fine." Fíli assured his brother with a smile. "Because of you."

Kíli wiped a few more tears away, before he turned to Thorin and held his hand out. Thorin took Kíli's hand, and allowed him to pull him from the ground. A moan rose in Thorin's throat, but never escaped his lips. Quickly, Kíli slid his arm beneath Thorin's uninjured shoulder and allowed Thorin to rest his weight atop of his shoulders.

Dwalin appeared in their sights, and ran towards them at a fast speed.

"Kíli found them, they are fine, brother." Balin shouted.

"Good job, laddie." Dwalil called back.

Dwalin's smiles were rare but he smiled now, and the relief he felt was written over his face. He reached their side, and was told by Thorin that Fíli's leg was badly injured and he required the most help. Then, Dwalin had placed his arm around the young dwarf, just as Balin did, and they lifted him to safety.

Kíli and Thorin limped slightly, as they lent on each other and clung to the other. They stayed mostly in silence, except when they were spoken to by one of the three in front, who were checking that everything was alright with them.

Thorin stared down at Kíli for a long time before he spoke.

"Thank you."

Kíli looked up with wide, dark eyes, and Thorin knew that battle did this. The battle darkened Kíli's eyes, hurt Fíli's leg, and covered his nephews in dark blood. It took what little innocence they had left, or so Thorin believed.

"Did you think I would give Fíli the glory of rescuing you?" Kíli asked, and then made a weak attempt at smiling.

"No, I did not." Thorin paused, and swallowed tightly. "I mean it, Kíli...Thank you."

Now, Kíli was the silent one. He gave a slight nod of his head, and averted his gaze for a few seconds. Kíli could still feel Thorin's eyes on him, burning against his skin, so he sighed and looked back up at Thorin.

"I couldn't..." Kíli stopped, and breathed inwards shakily. "I couldn't lose either of you."

"You won't. Not for a very long time." Thorin promised him.

It made Kíli feel a little better.

"What happened..." Kíli stopped, and changed his mind. "Never mind."

"Orcs took Fíli down..." Thorin answered. "I slaughtered them, but I fell.."

"I am sorry I was not there to take their heads clean off-"

"You have nothing to apologise for, Kíli, and you do not have to apologise to me. You did good." Thorin stopped, and looked down at Kíli again.

He took more notice of Kíli's wounds, and sighed with a great guilt. Thorin noticed now that his nephew was far more injured than he had realised. Great gashes covered his arms, and were scattered over him, and he was definitely moving slower than he once did.

"But if you were injured, you should have rested and received care-"

"I couldn't, not while you were still out there." Kíli admitted. "I thought I had lost you both, and I couldn't bear it..I searched but it felt useless. The bodies..Endless. Each time I rolled a body over, that I thought was you or Fee.."

Thorin's hand squeezed Kíli's shoulder tightly, an attempt to reassure him, before he looked back down at Kíli and smiled.

"You found us."

"What if I hadn't?"

"I had faith you would."

Kíli forced a smile. "I felt lost, then I was trapped in..._This._"

"So did I."

"Really?"

"Yes." Thorin answered. "But you are no longer trapped, Kíli, and you are far from useless. You did good."

Kíli looked up at Thorin with his big, brown eyes before he finally cracked a smile. He leant into Thorin and hugged him, forgetting briefly of their wounds. Thorin smiled lightly and he hugged Kíli back, also forgetting his own wounds. The pain was nothing compared to the love he had for his nephews.

"You are free now, Kíli. We all are." Thorin smiled. "Freedom is ours."

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**A/N: **This idea formed after I'd spent a few weeks thinking of possible ideas for a Thorin-focused fic. There's not really much of a plot, just lots of insight into Thorin's mind (which I thoroughly enjoyed doing). His character is an incredibly wonderful, complex character so please let me know what you thought, and if you think I did his justice or went OOC. I hope you'll like it, and thanks for reading.

Also, I just wanted to put a little note in here saying to please keep in mind that there might be people who haven't read the book. So, it would be great to take that into considering if/when posting reviews as you might leave an unwanted spoiler for someone else and I wouldn't want that. :)

Thanks and enjoy.

x


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